We all miss restaurants etc. etc. etc. etc….But here let’s focus on the things we (I, maybe you) don’t miss. Because we should focus on the positive. Because there is beauty in the struggle. Because *~*~*~EvEry FloWeR MuSt GrOw tHrOugH DiRt *~*~*~*~*
I don’t miss:
When you come back from the bathroom and your food isn’t there. That’s the whole reason why you went to the bathroom. To give your bashful food the time and privacy it needed to arrive at your table. I think this is why people get dogs. Because they always have something to come home to. Something waiting for them.
When you tell your friends that you’re “Up for whatever!” And then they choose something and inside you’re like, “Not that!” but end up saying “Perfect!”
When you see your server in the bathroom. It’s so intimate. You might as well kiss.
When you all decide to just share stuff. The entire time is spent eyeing the food like a hawk, assessing who’s had how much of what and do you even want more of that or do you just feel pressure to take more in case it’s gone and you actually did want it after all? Growing up my Mom bought a box of sugary cereal once in a blue moon. I have 100 aka 4 siblings so we got super competitive when it came to good-bad-for-you food. My Mom would unload a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch some random Tuesday evening and it’s like, “Okay, I guess the Olympics are tomorrow morning?!?!” We’d get up super early to guarantee ourselves a bowl before it turned to dust. Sitting there absolutely exhausted and expressionless at 6:15 in the morning we shoveled literal spoonfuls of sugar past our colored braces. No one talked; I guess you could say we were pretty athletic.
When you’re in Europe with Europeans (brag alert) and you’re there for 4+ hours and it’s like KILL ME CAN WE LEAVE and you realize then how much you love America. Hour 5, people begin ordering coffees. Excruciating.
When it’s Valentine’s Day 2020. It would be impossible to say that that was the worst day of 2020 but it’s up there. Your bf has made last minute plans. It’s white tablecloth and really affordable meaning it’s going to be so, so bad. The other clientele are 19 year-old girls with their 24 year-old boyfriends and it feels like everyone is at their fancy dinner before prom. There are actual updos. It is the worst food you’ve ever had in the city. The arugula is so wispy and dry and tasteless it almost floats off the plate and you wish it would. The “champagne” is what a hummingbird would order (sweet as hell). You’re like hahaha this is hilarious and random but on the Uber home you’re quiet.
When you’re on a date in 2013 and the guy tells you his Dad is morbidly obese and legally, as a woman, you have to be like oh wow, tell me more.
When you’re on a date with someone you’re not already dating.
When you’re there for work and to be relatable amongst the men you say, “I love brisket” and no one hears. You don’t even love it.
When you’re trying to make conversation with one of the above men and you’re asking allll about his kids and he doesn’t ask your name. (For more on the joys of eating in work situations see here.)
When the restaurant is expensive because it means the Coke is flat.
When you’re 12 and in Kentucky getting lunch with your family on a road trip. You go to the bathroom and when you come out everyone is gone. They forgot about you, the middle child. Could they be more cliché? No one loves you, no one. Carry this sentiment with you in an unhealthy way for a long time.
When you unfold a massive plastic menu holding the thumbprints of mankind and you see a single hair, stuck near the “Sides N’ Things” section. You say you’re too grossed out to eat, but you do eat, and you overeat.
When your friend is rude to the server and you have to adjust your body language so the server knows you’re one of the good ones. Kind of like when you see a celebrity and you have to act like “oh, a celebrity, whatever” so they know you’re chill.
When you find an eyelash in your food. I’d argue it’s worse than finding a regular hair. It’s almost beautiful but in a disgusting way.
When they say the specials because this means you’re about to blackout. You never remember the specials.
When you’re in line for the bathroom and you go to the person also in line, “Are you in line?! :D” Of course they are. You’ve never not said, “Are you in line?! :D”
When you go to brunch and drink #1 is so fun and good and then drink #2 happens. When you walk out of the restaurant into the day, the moment you cross the threshold, your buzz immediately morphs into anxiety and the sun seems to have it out for you.
When anything is finished tableside. It feels like the server is performing in a play they never wanted to be in and you have to act like a captive audience, all “Brava!!!!” and stuff and neither of you want that.
When someone gets the burger and you didn’t. My friend says that if someone gets the burger, everyone else is going to wish they had. Every time.
When the name of the restaurant has an ampersand. I’m over those. Bottle & Bread. Wine & Twine. Boy & Dating. Dinner And Then Go Home & Go To Bed.
When you go out to eat before a movie because then you aren’t allowed to get popcorn :(
When the bill comes and someone can’t handle just splitting everything equally because they got 5 cents less worth of food. Nothing makes me feel like a millionaire like chucking my credit card in a vague direction while my loaded friends do the same.
When you’re eating a salad and you bite into a crouton that’s so crunchy that you lose your balance. You have to grip the table to steady yourself.
When the food is bad, or worse, when the company is bad.
I miss it so much.