“One of ennui’s most terrible components is the overwhelming feeling of ennui that comes over you whenever you try to explain it.” ~ Ingmar Bergman
I don’t know why we spend so much time discussing whether to do away with daylight savings time when we should seriously consider abolishing the afternoon. I wonder if we don’t discuss it because we can’t – it’s simply too boring, too difficult to wrangle its lumpy, sad form into something worth understanding.
No one besides schoolchildren and bus drivers need the time between 3-5 pm. We’re tired, weak and hungry only for trash. We’re seashells washed upon shore, emptied of life and ready to be stepped on.
For the schoolchildren for whom the afternoon does matter, their school books are lying to them. Where in the science textbook does it tell the truth? That the time between the hours of 3-5 pm is not 120 minutes, but 400,000? Forget erasing history; school books are erasing the future. Our children will grow to experience afternoons longer than winter.
Every day I think I can fight it. With the unchecked emotion of a college guy at a Big Ten school, whose mother chooses to ignore what a piece of shit he is because she has a crush on him, I slide my flat-brim hat to the back and yell at no one, “COME AT ME, BRO.” Silence. “DO YOU WANNA GO?!” Nothing. I’m left flexing and winded. I go to Subway and get two foot-longs and look at my unanswered text from the night before, “wyd,” as Cold Cut Combo falls from my mouth.
Apparently Tom Hanks used to hate the period between 3-7 pm but discovered Transcendental Meditation and now it’s his favorite time of day. Like anything I hear that a rich or hot person does for self-improvement, I thought, I’ll give that a try! And like anything I actually want an excuse to not do I Googled “Transcendental Meditation scam.”
I don’t know if Transcendental Meditation is a scam, but I only needed to see proof that other people think it is to not bother with it. Google can ruin and give you a reason not to believe in anything, as long as you type in the word scam after. Climate change scam, birds scam, community garden scam, Greek yogurt in place of sour cream scam, shirts scam. The most innocuous thing can be a scam. The afternoon definitely is.
I can’t write in the afternoons. This would be the result if I did:
“If you look up “afternoon” in a dictionary it says “the time from noon or lunchtime to evening.” I do not like the afternoon because it is not good. In actuality, I definitely despise it’s drabness. I would like to turn a blind eye and give the afternoon the cold shoulder but I cant. I would like to write the worlds best book for example The Help or the worlds best movie for example The Help but Im so tired after lunch.”
Anything I like doing, I hate doing in the afternoon. It’s like taking a bite of your favorite food but you can’t taste it and it also makes you sick. “Why don’t you…?” begins the list of suggestions. But no, why don’t I not.
Afternoon activities DEBUNKED:
Working at my job – Ok yes ideally
Coffee – Only mornings are deserving
Tea – Goodnight
Cardio – I went on a run at 4:30 the other day and my pace was so slow it felt dangerous, for the same reason that a plane has to speed up in order to take off. If it doesn’t go fast enough it can’t take off and everyone on board is angry. (Other thoughts on running here.)
Meditate – This would only concentrate the terrible taste of the afternoon
Call a friend – Can’t do that to someone
Listen to a podcast – And just stand there?
Yoga – Can’t
Nap – The fast food of sleeps - good at first, so bad after. (Other thoughts on fast food here.)
TV – Watching 30 minutes of daytime TV is a quick way to gain 300 pounds
Journal – If someone were to get ahold of a journal that I’d written in during this time and could make out any of the words between the scratching and graphic, upsetting drawings, I’d be admitted. Sitting in a pilly white shift on the edge of a bed in a bare room, I stare at a tiny bird tapping at the room’s tiny window as a nice lady in a blazer asks me some questions. I give one word answers, not taking my eyes off the bird. When she finally holds up my journal and asks, “Why?” I’d slowly turn my head and say plainly, “The afternoon.” The bird drops dead. I never see my family again.
When the afternoon is tolerable:
On vacation
When you’re sick
When it’s Friday
When it’s Saturday (but only sometimes)
A few weeks ago, I was moping around the gray pasture of my home when I got a FaceTime from my sister Caroline. We bleated back and forth about the time of day and discovered that what we needed was an afternoon support group. Did this exist? Google resulted in support groups for specific things – caregivers, eating disorders, lonely high achievers – that were held in the afternoon. What we needed was an afternoon afternoon support group. Caroline and I said we would establish one – that every afternoon we would text or call each other with something funny or motivational or distracting. But we have yet to do it. Because in the afternoon we simply cannot. We can only wait for the sun to set and take the dreadful hours with it. We wait for freedom, we wait for dinner, we wait for it to GET DARK BRO.
The Afternoon Afternoon Support Group meets every day at 3:30 pm in your own head, as it is too physiologically demanding to connect otherwise. Please bring a bagel to pass.
Do you know someone who needs the Afternoon Afternoon Support Group? Then please,
“If you hate the afternoon, you are not alone. If you are powerless to the afternoon, you are not alone. Time passes. So too will the afternoon.” ~ Afternoon Afternoon Support Group mantra
Well done. I wander if your perspective changes with time, like 30 or 40 years time? I vote: yes.
I take $5 bets. Anyone? 👀